Well, that "special" day is once more almost upon us. A chance for families to gather, celebrate something they don't quite understand, and enjoy spending time with eachother. Or just get absolutely rat-arsed, spend half the day screaming obscenities at eachother, and the other half ignoring eachother.
Anyway, stuff Xmas day. I don't like it. It's an overly-inflated excuse for multi-national conglomerates to charge extortionately high prices for cheap pieces of tat that people buy for eachother, only to be banished to some dark and god-forsaken cupboard, once the festivities are forgotten.
As you've probably gathered, tomorrow will be amongst the lowest points on my calendar. But others enjoy it, and they do me no harm, so they can get on with it. As long as I'm fed, watered and given a few books and some music, I'll not complain.
Today has been... Mediocre. Better than I predict tomorrow will be though. Done nothing much except be screamed at by my dear mother for not doing enough. And almost been forced to drink a half a pint of rum by our next-door neighbour, "for the cough". And been teased mercilessly by said neighbour, his family and mine for having a girlfriend.
Which brings me on to yesterday.
She was met by family (and obviously, my family was met by her...). I think it went well. They like her. I THINK (and HOPE...) she likes them. The only slight stumbling block was her semi-monoglotism (and it wasn't really at all bad), but that's something we're going to work on together.
Anyway. Regardless of my family's opinions (none of which I respect, even remotely), and the relentless teasing, ribbing, and general face-reddening comments directed at myself, yesterday was... Amazing. A whole afternoon spent in the company of a being fairer than any I could ever have imagined. The loss of a certain bovine virginity (which I WON'T explain... Unless you ask me to...). And the fact that we had... TIME. So much time. Just to spend in eachother's company.
I won't be so insulting to your intellect and common-sense as to say that all we did was chit-chat, but just having her there, with me, without having to be continuously watching the clock, was amazing. I wish it had never ended. Being constantly watched (and occasionally interrupted) by a (little TOO) faithful canine companion of mine was a LITTLE unnerving, and a TAD annoying... But it didn't really matter. We were just TOGETHER. And I felt safe, happy, and LOVED.
I hope we can do it again. Soon. And have even MORE time.
I love her so much. She truly is amazing. She brightens everything up, and always makes me feel good - about general situations, and myself, and the latter is... An amazing feeling. Something that nobody else succeeds in doing nearly as well as she does.
I realise I've said the word "amazing" probably a few more times than are strictly needed, and that if I don't stop dribbling soon, I shall drown.
Therefore I'll stop here.
I wish you all a very merry Xmas.
End.
Thursday, 24 December 2009
Saturday, 12 December 2009
Release, like nectar of the gods.
So I finally told them.
In all honesty, I was sort of pushed into it by circumstances beyond my control (damn Orange itemised billing invoices... *shakes fist*).
But not that I have done... It's... Wonderful.
For the first time in 6 months, 25 days and about 6 hours, I can breathe easy. It was always my intention to say, but as time dragged by, bringing with it those little incidences that change your mental point of view, I just... Didn't.
I HAD made myself a promise to say by December 31st. That was concrete, cast in stone, gospel, yadda-yadda-yadda. But I needed a... Push, Something to motivate me to do it.
Now, that isn't what I ACTUALLY got, but who cares? The deed was done.
I no longer have to hide her light under a bushel. I no longer have to act like a common criminal, shying away every time an inquisitive beam of light approaches my shrouded secret.
No longer had to endure - for that is what I did, and what I suspect she did also - long and painful seperations.
I cannot put my emotions into words.
The alst year had been the most tumultous of my life.
Rejection, hate, revulsion, disappointment, death, harm, fear, sadness... All emotions and events I have felt, or been touched by.
Love, however... Well, I'm not so sure as to the accuracy of the old adage "True love conquers all", but I can attest to this:-
I love.
It is true.
She helped me.
The events of the last few days have enabled me to begin to be what I would call a good... Other half? Boyfriend? Best friend? Call it what you will. I just hope I'm right in saying that. And I hope I'm right in believing that I can make it so much better, and that I will, now that I am able.
Please learn from my mistakes. Don't hide good things. Otherwise, bad things come to overshadow them.
You CAN shine light on this darkness, as I have ben able to do, but it is so much better - for ALL involved - if you have no darkness in the first place.
End.
In all honesty, I was sort of pushed into it by circumstances beyond my control (damn Orange itemised billing invoices... *shakes fist*).
But not that I have done... It's... Wonderful.
For the first time in 6 months, 25 days and about 6 hours, I can breathe easy. It was always my intention to say, but as time dragged by, bringing with it those little incidences that change your mental point of view, I just... Didn't.
I HAD made myself a promise to say by December 31st. That was concrete, cast in stone, gospel, yadda-yadda-yadda. But I needed a... Push, Something to motivate me to do it.
Now, that isn't what I ACTUALLY got, but who cares? The deed was done.
I no longer have to hide her light under a bushel. I no longer have to act like a common criminal, shying away every time an inquisitive beam of light approaches my shrouded secret.
No longer had to endure - for that is what I did, and what I suspect she did also - long and painful seperations.
I cannot put my emotions into words.
The alst year had been the most tumultous of my life.
Rejection, hate, revulsion, disappointment, death, harm, fear, sadness... All emotions and events I have felt, or been touched by.
Love, however... Well, I'm not so sure as to the accuracy of the old adage "True love conquers all", but I can attest to this:-
I love.
It is true.
She helped me.
The events of the last few days have enabled me to begin to be what I would call a good... Other half? Boyfriend? Best friend? Call it what you will. I just hope I'm right in saying that. And I hope I'm right in believing that I can make it so much better, and that I will, now that I am able.
Please learn from my mistakes. Don't hide good things. Otherwise, bad things come to overshadow them.
You CAN shine light on this darkness, as I have ben able to do, but it is so much better - for ALL involved - if you have no darkness in the first place.
End.
Monday, 7 December 2009
Meh. xD NO idea what to call this. It's impro... ;)
"It stepped from the dark,
A huge, ambivalent creature,
At once both dark, threatening and mysterious,
yet, so calming... Comforting... OPEN.
Stridding towards the frighteningly enthralled child,
sprawled in its bed at the witching hour,
it reached out a claw...
A huge, glistening and etheral claw, that shimmered,
glowed in the light, cast by the waxed moon.
An observer would have felt
chills.
To see a creature such as this,
of such unknow intent,
somehow preying upon a small child...
Yet not preying.
Its reaching claw caresses the child's face,
casting a marble hue upon the child's face
as if caught in death's icy embrace it is.
But not, for breath it does.
The creature,
leaning forwards,
speaks but a single,
breathless,
almost unheard word in the child's ear.
The child's eyes widen in shock,
yet it does not understand the meaning of the words spoken.
Turning to gaze into the creature's eyes,
as dark as coals, and as deep as the farthest reaches of space and time,
and as old,
asking, entreating, pleading for an explanation.
But none comes.
The beast melts into the shadows whence it came.
Will the child see it again?
Will the child be seen by it again?
A question such as this is not lightly answered...
Yet all that is certain,
is the effect of this word,
this single utterance.
Remain with the child it shall, as it grows.
Sulking teen.
Industrious adult.
Tired aged one.
Festering inside, like a canker -
Yet benign.
Never reaching the exact meaning of the word,
or an understanding of the word,
or even a recollection of same,
the child grows.
And doubts.
And ponders.
Forever.
Until one day...
From the shadows...
It shall emerge.
Fully fledged, a messenger creature.
For whom, it could not say.
Would not.
All that remains of that child;
a last vestige of innocence -
is a single thought.
Shimmering darkness shows the path to new a host.
That path is to be followed
for existence to continue."
xD Sorry. I have NO idea what that is... I may work on it. Make it make sense. Somehow... xD But it will probably be deleted.
All in all, a pretty clear display that it was typed as it came, without a planning process. xD Which just shows how important the planning stage can be.
Apologies, once again.
End.
A huge, ambivalent creature,
At once both dark, threatening and mysterious,
yet, so calming... Comforting... OPEN.
Stridding towards the frighteningly enthralled child,
sprawled in its bed at the witching hour,
it reached out a claw...
A huge, glistening and etheral claw, that shimmered,
glowed in the light, cast by the waxed moon.
An observer would have felt
chills.
To see a creature such as this,
of such unknow intent,
somehow preying upon a small child...
Yet not preying.
Its reaching claw caresses the child's face,
casting a marble hue upon the child's face
as if caught in death's icy embrace it is.
But not, for breath it does.
The creature,
leaning forwards,
speaks but a single,
breathless,
almost unheard word in the child's ear.
The child's eyes widen in shock,
yet it does not understand the meaning of the words spoken.
Turning to gaze into the creature's eyes,
as dark as coals, and as deep as the farthest reaches of space and time,
and as old,
asking, entreating, pleading for an explanation.
But none comes.
The beast melts into the shadows whence it came.
Will the child see it again?
Will the child be seen by it again?
A question such as this is not lightly answered...
Yet all that is certain,
is the effect of this word,
this single utterance.
Remain with the child it shall, as it grows.
Sulking teen.
Industrious adult.
Tired aged one.
Festering inside, like a canker -
Yet benign.
Never reaching the exact meaning of the word,
or an understanding of the word,
or even a recollection of same,
the child grows.
And doubts.
And ponders.
Forever.
Until one day...
From the shadows...
It shall emerge.
Fully fledged, a messenger creature.
For whom, it could not say.
Would not.
All that remains of that child;
a last vestige of innocence -
is a single thought.
Shimmering darkness shows the path to new a host.
That path is to be followed
for existence to continue."
xD Sorry. I have NO idea what that is... I may work on it. Make it make sense. Somehow... xD But it will probably be deleted.
All in all, a pretty clear display that it was typed as it came, without a planning process. xD Which just shows how important the planning stage can be.
Apologies, once again.
End.
Thursday, 3 December 2009
Light in the tunnel... But is it just a bulb, or the end?
Today was one of the best days of my life.
Not only did I only have two lectures, but I also had no tests or mocks. A perfect recipe for a happy Noddy.
Then the day got sublime.
Not only was the day glorious, with the sharpness and keenness of the air that makes it feel like when you shave too close and strip skin off, but so was my mission; To get to Blaenau.
Now, not being particularly solvent in the financial departement, I did balk slightly at the £7 cost of the ticket from Gorseinon to Mecca Mk II. However, as has always been the case when my pfennigs disappear down the merciless black hole that is the pursuit of love, it was £7 inordinately well spent.
After an uneventful journey to Bont from Gorseinon, I found myself with over an hour of time on my hands until my sencond bus was due. After ambling around for a while, and stuffing my gob with a sandwich, I managed to pluck up the courage, and grow up enough, to go to the CO-OP Pharmacy, and ignore the disapproving mutterings emmitting from staff and fellow shoppers, succeeding in purchasing face-to-face something I had always thought I would have to rely on public toilets for.
Anyway, after the public shaming (and my ignorance of it), time it was to board my chariot, which tore towards Ammanford with all the gusto of an asthmatic midget with Achilles-tendonitis. One with broken doors, which seemd determined to disgorge my corpulent self onto the road whenever a right turn was so much as imagined. This was, I suspect, for my unkind thoughts as to it's power...
Regardless, once it had passed through Ammanford, the bus seemed to developed some daemonic need for speed, and set off at a full gallop, taps wide open, towards my goal.
On being disgorged from the belly of the beast (none too soon...), I found myself with yet MORE time to kill. So I did what anybody would do, and went for a toddle.
I switched off. Completely.
Until I reached the bridge.
I won't elaborate, but suffice to say that I have fond memories of sharing that bridge.
Anyway, as the hour drew ever nearer, I (to paraphrase the song) "found myself a bench, and sat on it".
Time came, and delivered unto me was that which I had been so keenly awaiting.
There followed a couple af the happiest of my hours on this Earth.
I managed to pluck up even MORE courage, and talked to someone I had been thoroughly afraid of meeting (not that, if I'm honest, I had much choice in the matter...). It was fine. It was MORE than fine.
I felt accepted.
I felt welcomed.
I felt I was approved of.
That just compounded my happiness.
Until I returned home. Here, normality sets in, and the secrecy draws its dark, oppressive cloak around me, creating a hinderance to the sharing of thoughts, emotions and wants, which should be anathema to a normal life.
Nonetheless, I enjoyed today. I felt wanted. I felt safe. I felt liked.
I felt loved.
Nothing will detract from that, save my own actions.
I need to do something about that shrouding cloak.
Until I do though, I'm going to enjoy being in command of actions that are my own, and not those directed by others.
An end note.
I am in love with her.
Truly.
End.
Not only did I only have two lectures, but I also had no tests or mocks. A perfect recipe for a happy Noddy.
Then the day got sublime.
Not only was the day glorious, with the sharpness and keenness of the air that makes it feel like when you shave too close and strip skin off, but so was my mission; To get to Blaenau.
Now, not being particularly solvent in the financial departement, I did balk slightly at the £7 cost of the ticket from Gorseinon to Mecca Mk II. However, as has always been the case when my pfennigs disappear down the merciless black hole that is the pursuit of love, it was £7 inordinately well spent.
After an uneventful journey to Bont from Gorseinon, I found myself with over an hour of time on my hands until my sencond bus was due. After ambling around for a while, and stuffing my gob with a sandwich, I managed to pluck up the courage, and grow up enough, to go to the CO-OP Pharmacy, and ignore the disapproving mutterings emmitting from staff and fellow shoppers, succeeding in purchasing face-to-face something I had always thought I would have to rely on public toilets for.
Anyway, after the public shaming (and my ignorance of it), time it was to board my chariot, which tore towards Ammanford with all the gusto of an asthmatic midget with Achilles-tendonitis. One with broken doors, which seemd determined to disgorge my corpulent self onto the road whenever a right turn was so much as imagined. This was, I suspect, for my unkind thoughts as to it's power...
Regardless, once it had passed through Ammanford, the bus seemed to developed some daemonic need for speed, and set off at a full gallop, taps wide open, towards my goal.
On being disgorged from the belly of the beast (none too soon...), I found myself with yet MORE time to kill. So I did what anybody would do, and went for a toddle.
I switched off. Completely.
Until I reached the bridge.
I won't elaborate, but suffice to say that I have fond memories of sharing that bridge.
Anyway, as the hour drew ever nearer, I (to paraphrase the song) "found myself a bench, and sat on it".
Time came, and delivered unto me was that which I had been so keenly awaiting.
There followed a couple af the happiest of my hours on this Earth.
I managed to pluck up even MORE courage, and talked to someone I had been thoroughly afraid of meeting (not that, if I'm honest, I had much choice in the matter...). It was fine. It was MORE than fine.
I felt accepted.
I felt welcomed.
I felt I was approved of.
That just compounded my happiness.
Until I returned home. Here, normality sets in, and the secrecy draws its dark, oppressive cloak around me, creating a hinderance to the sharing of thoughts, emotions and wants, which should be anathema to a normal life.
Nonetheless, I enjoyed today. I felt wanted. I felt safe. I felt liked.
I felt loved.
Nothing will detract from that, save my own actions.
I need to do something about that shrouding cloak.
Until I do though, I'm going to enjoy being in command of actions that are my own, and not those directed by others.
An end note.
I am in love with her.
Truly.
End.
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