Two old men made my day yesterday. A young lady made it today.

Maybe that wasn't the best way to describe what happened yesterday... Ah well. I'm going to explain anyway, so it'll become clear.

Yesterday morning, I got to my bus-stop at 08:45, which is early. But it didn't matter, because the bus didn't come. I therefore trudged down to Bont, by about 09:25, having waited (in vain) for the college bus to come, to catch the service bus. Which had left at 09:15. But no matter, as there was another one due at 09:55.
Which didn't turn up.
I was terefore forced to wait until 10:58 for the next one, and it was during this time that I got talking to two old gentlemen who had the same issue as myself.
It turned out that one of them was a tubist, and a double-bassist, and had been the Band-Leader of the Band of the Regiment of Wales. The other was a pianist, heavily into jazz. He owned 4,000+ vinyl singles, and countless vinyl albums, and being a collector, was IMMENSELY knowledgeable about big-bands through the ages.
Needless to say, I immediately hit it off with both men. The hour flew by, far too quickly for my liking. It had improved my day tremendously though, and I kept smiling as I thought about the conversation during the day. Before, I had never thought I'd meet someone who knew who Tommy Dorsey was, liked Bill Haley BEFORE The Comets, and knew Whistling Rufus.
I think the reason I enjoyed so much was the fact that neither of them spoke DOWN to me (although, both being at least 8" shorter than me, it would be impossible in any way other than the metaphorical anyway...). This is my problem with adults, expecially the older generations. We must respect THEM, but can never be respected BY them.
Or so it SEEMED, at least until yesterday.

Now today...
Ab got into Wells.
Need I say more?
It's made me burst with excitement for her, and with pride in her. Even though all I did was tell her to do her best.
After a pretty crappy day, hearing the wonderful news MADE my day.

I love you, Ab.


Well... So concludes another boringly pointless, pointlessly boring blog.
And Ab? Happy to be mentioned this time? You silly girl...

End.

In retrospect.

There are many things I wish I'd done when I was younger.
Listening to my parents when it came to practicing is one. Another is that I wish I'd played more rugby.
On the other hand, there are many things I wish I HADN'T done.
One of these is give up trumpet. Another is let myself be an emotional dartboard.

Things I've done and experienced recently will also probably fall under one or t'other of these catagories.
I'm going to give classifying them a go.
I suppose this is suspicion, but meh.

i. Meet Sophie - This is definitely one for the positives. She's a charming, hilariously twisted and confident young woman whom I very much like.

ii. Flunk my Xmas mocks - A bit of an ambiguous one, this. On the one hand, if I'd learned my work, I'd be able to focus solely on the new stuff for a while.
On the other, at least I now know where my knowledge is patchy (and let me tell you, it's patchier than a knitted quilt...).

iii. Discover Divna - One of the better ones. This woman is in possession of an haunting voice, which is (obviously, otherwise she wouldn't be doing it...) ideally suited to the material she sings, which is largely Byzantine chant, and Orthodox church-music.
Of course, it helps that I am a huge fan of Orthodox music.
And that she's quite attractive...

iv. Discover Basso Profundo music - AMAZING. NO MORE NEEDS TO BE SAID, APART FROM "LOOK IT UP, NOW".

v. Realise that my eyesight has further deteriorated - Not much to say really, other than that there isn't much to deteriorate on...
This is one of the less good things of late.

vi. Finish (apart from a few textural and performance changes) my first AS Music composition - I (possibly rather foolishly) decided that I was going to special. Instead of composing in the style of a more studied period (Baroque, Classical or Romantic), I elected to do my first composition in the style of the Renaissance period.
WHICH HAS VERY LITTLE CONNECTION WITH LATER PERIODS, OTHER THAN THAT IT'S A COLLECTION OF NOTES.
As time wore on, and September slowly ground into October, which suddenly became January, I started to panic. I had a piece, but I personally didn't think it was very good. So I started a new one.
Which I have just finished.
Which I DO like.
Rather a lot.
I feel quite paternal about it, if I'm honest. It's developed from a flash of what might pass as inspiration, during a Chemistry lecture, into 85 bars of what I consider to be possibly the best music I have composed, and I've done a fair bit.

vii. Realise that, if I DO try for an organ scholarship, I have less than eight months to prepare.
I am currently attempting to find a church, with a decent organ, that will let me practice.
Currently, I'm failing dismally, as everywhere seems to have either NO organ, an ELECTRIC organ (*vomits*), or won't let a mere secularist, such as myself, play.

Ah well.
Apologies yet AGAIN for the boredom-factor present in my blogs.

Anyway, thank you for reading, and I hope you're having a pleasant week.

End.

A matter of confidence and ability.

I was approached today by the tutor in Gorseinon who is responsible for medical applications. She let me know about a "taster-day" that is being held in Cardiff Medical School next month, for which I am grateful to her. She also told me about the lecture in the Royal Society of Medicine in March, which I am DEFINITELY going to. She asked me about work-experience, and if I have any lined-up as well.
I was ALSO approached today by the lecturer who is in charge of Oxbridge applications. She talked to me about which colleges appeal to me, and why. She also asked what subjects I'll be carrying on with for my A-levels next year.

I just have the one question;
Why is everyone so sure I'm cut-out for great things, when I struggle to wipe my own nose without poking my eyes out?

I just don't see it.
Of course, the academic posturing, the social status, and the sheer respect that would come with doing a medical course, or attending Oxbrige (let alone doing the former in the latter...) appeals to me. HUGELY.
But...
I just don't see myself getting there. The amount of competition for spaces is RIDICULOUS. After Veterinary Medicine, Medicine is the most competitive university course. After frittering away my GCSE grades with my stupid, over-confident, lackadaisical attitude, I really want to do well in my AS- and A-levels. I sort of HAVE to in order to get anywhere, but we'll leave that for now.
I want to please. That's all I want is to please, and to make happy. I want to prove to those that have faith in me that it isn't misplaced, even though I'm quite certain it is.

My problems are laziness, and a lack of self-belief.
The former I have already begun to combat by doing work in advance, revising what has been done in lectures, and researching things in more detail than is strictly required.
The latter, on the other hand, is proving beyond my abilities to alter. I just hope that by doing more work, I'll feel more confident in what I know, which will lead to me having more confidence in myself.

Ah well. Now I've said that, time to move on.
The plans...
i. My first plan is what anyone with half a brain would plan to do. It entails getting the grades I need at AS, then applying to the four allowed choices for medicine, with music as my (backup) fifth choice. Then, I need to be accepted by any of those medical schools, and get the grades stated in my offer.
Obviously, that's what would happen in an ideal world.

However, as this world is far removed from the ideal, my other plan is as follows;

ii. Get the grades I need at AS. Apply to the four allowed choices (with music as a backup, again). GET REJECTED.
I would then take a year out (what might be called a year 14). During this year, I would do the following;
a. Practice the organ. This is in the hope that I might get accepted for an organ scholarship to Oxbridge. The REMOTE hope and chance, but a hope and a chance nonetheless.
b. Attempt to get work on the NHS. I'm going to do this anyway, but it would be ESPECIALLY important if I had to take this year out.
c. Having joined the TA (which I AM going to do...), train as a medic. Just first aid and the like, but it's all experience. Also... I might try to get mobilised. However, this is something I'm going to have to discuss with Abi before I even think about it any further, so I'll forget that for now.
Also, as a TA member, I'm going to try to get a HGV and a PCV licence. Just because they'd be pretty cool to have.

After doing these things, I would apply again for medicine after the year, and I would hopefully get accepted, as the extra experience should count rather a great deal in my favour.

Anyway, this has been an INCREDIBLY boring blog for you so far, and you have my sincerest apologies.
I'll write something less self-centered now.

Until last week, I had no idea what a comic genius Spike Milligan was. I would THOROUGHLY reccomend everyone read his six-part trilogy (the irony is intentional...) of war-memoirs, as they give an insight into the formation of one of the greatest sources of cynical comedy EVER.
Anyone looking for a pick-me-up needs to watch The Producers. Preferably the 2006 remake. The original is fabulous, but the newer version is absolutely STUNNING. I suppose it illustrates my temperament though. Any musical comedy, ranging from the delights of Mozart's Magic Flute, to Mel Brooks' The Producers, and I'm there, raring to watch it. Make it something heavier, like Wagner's Die Walkyrie, or Les Miserables, and I'll still APPRECIATE them, but I won't ENJOY them as much. Maybe it proves I'm frivolous? I don't know... What I DO know is that I appreciate a damn good comedy, with some awe-inspiring music, to some intricately woven, kaleidoscopic epic, which is, in a word, DULL.
Listen to Brad Paisley. Don't question. Just do it.

Well, to finish, I'll just say that I hope everything's alright with everyone, and that you're all having a good week so far.

End.

The future, and whatever it may hold.

It's odd.
I haven't yet sat even my AS-levels, and yet for the last year and a bit, I've been obsessively grooming university profiles, to see which catch my fancy. To be wholly honest, my choices tend to be based on architecture. Consequently, topping the list (with most attractive to me first) are Cambridge (the older colleges), Edinburgh, Oxford (the older colleges) and St. Andrew's.
All of these are universities that offer Medical courses. If I'm truthful, I've ONLY looked at universities that offer Medicine, because they tend to be better thought of.
Anyway, I know where I want to apply to - even college-specific in Oxbridge - but what happens AFTER is what baffles me...

I may apply to do medicine.
Assuming any of these Red-Brick establishments want me (and it's a pretty big assumption), and assuming I attain the required grades (yet another MAMMOTH assumption), what would I do after?
I could always go and work for the NHS. It's what most Medical graduates do.
But I find the armed forces to be quite attractive.
There's something about the thought of being called "Doc" by various people, junior or senior to myself, and viewed as the dashing, heroic lifesaver, that's quite appealing to my vanity.
It also sounds pretty damn interesting, and exciting.
The Royal Army Medical Corps is the body exherting the largest pull upon myself at the minute, although I don't know why.

Then again, I may do Music.
Now, not being amazing gifted in the performance department (and that's NOT an innuendo...), I mean the theory side of Music. Again, I'd probably pick places based on their architecture, and where the best organs are located, and the best churches. Cambridge (perhaps unsurprisingly) tops the list once more.
But what would I do after a Music degree?
I could teach. But I hate children.
I could lecture. But you can't do that until you've taught. Which brings us back to the previous problem of hating children.
My other option under consideration is to join the Corps of Army Music.
Here, as a member of one of twenty-two bands, I'd be able to perform often, and on a variety of instruments. I even know the band I'd want to join - The Band of the Blues and Royals. I'm an animal-lover, and being a constituent-part of a mounted band would be utterly amazing.
The uniform's also pretty snazzy.
The Band of H. M.'s Royal Marines would be my other choice, even though it's not a part of the CoAM. Simply because they are gods.
In either of these organisations, joining with a BMus would mean I'd start in a high-ranking position, instead of joining, and then working to earn my degree whilst there, like most of the band-members.

Another career I considered for a while was Actuary, which is more or less a licence to print money.
However, that was kicked rather smartly into touch by the fact that the word "Mathematics" will be missing from my A-level profile. I (rather foolishly) chose Physics over it, and have lived to regret it ever since (see my previous blog for more details...).

Ah well. I suppose that, as long as I work hard, things will sort themselves out.
I have a vague semblence of an outline of an idea of a plan of what I think I might possibly maybe want to do.
Not very concrete, to be honest, but it's a plan nonetheless.

I don't exactly know what the point of this blog was, or is, apart from possibly just being me putting the plan down in print.
Whatever, thank you for reading.

End.

I wonder if it'll keep up...

So, the end of the second day of a new year draws closer, and the third's beginning also draws closer(OBVIOUSLY...), and a few things have occurred to me:-

i. I've actually been nice today. Not once have I raised my voice, had a voice raised at me, or had any tussling, verbal or otherwise, with anyone. I'm actually quite proud of myself.
I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions, but I have been making a conscious effort lately, and it seems to be paying off. Next to have my efforts concentrated upon will be my girth, but it's gonna take a LOT of effort to do the same to it as I've done to my attitude. I'm ready for it though. I need to be relatively fit for one of my career fallbacks to be viable...

ii. I'm not at all looking forwards to going back to college. I know that generally nobody admits to being eager to go back to work/education/"the daily grind", but I always genuinely DID. I don't know what's happenned. What I DO know is that college is... Difficult for me. I'm finding it hard to get along with people, because of untrue rumours that were spread about me. I'm finding the work difficult too. I've always enjoyed a challenge, even going so far as to do things that hadn't been covered in lessons. No more though. These days I just about scrape through with passes, as opposed to being in the top percentile of my year-group.
I don't like it.
But I just don't think I'm cut out for it...
I want to be a doctor. I HIGHLY doubt that's ever going to happen. I'm just not... BRIGHT enough. I'm willing to do the work necessary for it, and I'm not struggling with Chemistry, Biology or Music. But Physics...
You need at least 2.5 Science subjects to be considered for entry to medical school. That's 2 Science A-Levels, and a Science AS. Maths instead of Physics is an option I'm now ruing not having taken. I can do the Biology. I can do the Chemistry. But I'm gradually being forced to admit that Physics may put a bigger dent in my plans than I can afford.

iii. I'm actually not that fussed about driving.
Oh, of course I can't wait to be able to take MYSELF places, instead of having to impose, and rely upon others. I also look foward to being able to go where I want, when I want, without having to get the go-ahead for a lift first.
But the independence will be limited. I know this, because I know my parents.
Every time I'd say "I'm just going out", or "I'm going to _____, see you later", I'd be forbidden/lectured/shouted at. Also usually warned "Not to show off, because the insurance is sky-high without you crashing the thing trying to impress people".
To be frank, it's depressing how little faith I've found is placed in me, and how big-headed people think I have the capacity to be.
I wanted to be able to drive myself to the Bands course in March, if I'd passed my test. But no. Instead, I have to impose upon my father to get me there a day earlier than he did last year, and no doubt be yelled at in the process.
I want to be wholly independent.
Now.
But driving isn't going to bring that closer until independence comes in even more ways.

iv. I've accepted that mine is strange mind. Things which fill some with joy, fill myself with dread (see the Xmas referrences in my previous blog), and other things that fill some with dread, fill myself with joy (essays...).
But I'm slowly having to admit that I'm... Wrong.
Some of the things I think... Some of the things I feel... Some of the things I want to do...
If I were to publicise these, I would be referred to a psychiatrist.
I don't want to be like this. I know it makes others feel bad, even though they don't admit it.
I AM trying to change. It's just... Difficult.

Finally,
v. I wouldn't be here without Abi.
Hiding her away, as if I was ashamed of her, was wrong of me. COMPLETELY wrong. I feel ashamed to my very marrrow of having done it.
But I just didn't want things to change. I didn't want to have to let her go.
Now that everything's above board, my life HAS changed, but not in the ways I was scared it would.
I haven't been forbidden from seeing her, as I was told I would be "forbidden from seeing any girl I managed to convince to go out with me".
I've felt less stressed, having to hide her very existence away, for fear of it being discovered.
I think we've seen eachother more since I "came out" about her than we did before, even though "since" has only been several weeks, and "before" was nearly seven months. I feel bad about the times I've denied us, just because I was too afraid of taking a chance.
How wrong I was, because things now are amazing.
I can talk freely about her, sing her praises, answer questions about her, put up with teasing about her, promise to meet up with her without worrying I won't be able to carry the promise through...
She really has completed me. She has saved me from myself so many times. She has made me see people in general (whom I have a hard time trusting for various reasons) in a different light, and has allowed old wounds to heal to such an extent that it almost seems they'd never existed.
I just want to thank her, for being the most amazing young woman anybody could ever ask to know.
I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again anyway;
I love her. Completely.

Well, that's it, basically. Boring for you, probably beyond even the wildest comprehension, but I had to write (well, type... Ok... Now shut up) it out, just to acknowledge everything.
I'm glad I've done it.
Even if it DOES mean you'll come after me with pitch-forks, flaming torches and a lynch-mob for wasting your time...

One last thing, before I go.
If this seems like a "sad", "negative" or "depressive" post, my apologies. It isn't meant to be.
It's just me coming to terms with some things, recognising others, and stating even more.
It's a positive blog, although I am prepared to admit that it may not look that way at first.

End.