I wonder if it'll keep up...

So, the end of the second day of a new year draws closer, and the third's beginning also draws closer(OBVIOUSLY...), and a few things have occurred to me:-

i. I've actually been nice today. Not once have I raised my voice, had a voice raised at me, or had any tussling, verbal or otherwise, with anyone. I'm actually quite proud of myself.
I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions, but I have been making a conscious effort lately, and it seems to be paying off. Next to have my efforts concentrated upon will be my girth, but it's gonna take a LOT of effort to do the same to it as I've done to my attitude. I'm ready for it though. I need to be relatively fit for one of my career fallbacks to be viable...

ii. I'm not at all looking forwards to going back to college. I know that generally nobody admits to being eager to go back to work/education/"the daily grind", but I always genuinely DID. I don't know what's happenned. What I DO know is that college is... Difficult for me. I'm finding it hard to get along with people, because of untrue rumours that were spread about me. I'm finding the work difficult too. I've always enjoyed a challenge, even going so far as to do things that hadn't been covered in lessons. No more though. These days I just about scrape through with passes, as opposed to being in the top percentile of my year-group.
I don't like it.
But I just don't think I'm cut out for it...
I want to be a doctor. I HIGHLY doubt that's ever going to happen. I'm just not... BRIGHT enough. I'm willing to do the work necessary for it, and I'm not struggling with Chemistry, Biology or Music. But Physics...
You need at least 2.5 Science subjects to be considered for entry to medical school. That's 2 Science A-Levels, and a Science AS. Maths instead of Physics is an option I'm now ruing not having taken. I can do the Biology. I can do the Chemistry. But I'm gradually being forced to admit that Physics may put a bigger dent in my plans than I can afford.

iii. I'm actually not that fussed about driving.
Oh, of course I can't wait to be able to take MYSELF places, instead of having to impose, and rely upon others. I also look foward to being able to go where I want, when I want, without having to get the go-ahead for a lift first.
But the independence will be limited. I know this, because I know my parents.
Every time I'd say "I'm just going out", or "I'm going to _____, see you later", I'd be forbidden/lectured/shouted at. Also usually warned "Not to show off, because the insurance is sky-high without you crashing the thing trying to impress people".
To be frank, it's depressing how little faith I've found is placed in me, and how big-headed people think I have the capacity to be.
I wanted to be able to drive myself to the Bands course in March, if I'd passed my test. But no. Instead, I have to impose upon my father to get me there a day earlier than he did last year, and no doubt be yelled at in the process.
I want to be wholly independent.
Now.
But driving isn't going to bring that closer until independence comes in even more ways.

iv. I've accepted that mine is strange mind. Things which fill some with joy, fill myself with dread (see the Xmas referrences in my previous blog), and other things that fill some with dread, fill myself with joy (essays...).
But I'm slowly having to admit that I'm... Wrong.
Some of the things I think... Some of the things I feel... Some of the things I want to do...
If I were to publicise these, I would be referred to a psychiatrist.
I don't want to be like this. I know it makes others feel bad, even though they don't admit it.
I AM trying to change. It's just... Difficult.

Finally,
v. I wouldn't be here without Abi.
Hiding her away, as if I was ashamed of her, was wrong of me. COMPLETELY wrong. I feel ashamed to my very marrrow of having done it.
But I just didn't want things to change. I didn't want to have to let her go.
Now that everything's above board, my life HAS changed, but not in the ways I was scared it would.
I haven't been forbidden from seeing her, as I was told I would be "forbidden from seeing any girl I managed to convince to go out with me".
I've felt less stressed, having to hide her very existence away, for fear of it being discovered.
I think we've seen eachother more since I "came out" about her than we did before, even though "since" has only been several weeks, and "before" was nearly seven months. I feel bad about the times I've denied us, just because I was too afraid of taking a chance.
How wrong I was, because things now are amazing.
I can talk freely about her, sing her praises, answer questions about her, put up with teasing about her, promise to meet up with her without worrying I won't be able to carry the promise through...
She really has completed me. She has saved me from myself so many times. She has made me see people in general (whom I have a hard time trusting for various reasons) in a different light, and has allowed old wounds to heal to such an extent that it almost seems they'd never existed.
I just want to thank her, for being the most amazing young woman anybody could ever ask to know.
I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again anyway;
I love her. Completely.

Well, that's it, basically. Boring for you, probably beyond even the wildest comprehension, but I had to write (well, type... Ok... Now shut up) it out, just to acknowledge everything.
I'm glad I've done it.
Even if it DOES mean you'll come after me with pitch-forks, flaming torches and a lynch-mob for wasting your time...

One last thing, before I go.
If this seems like a "sad", "negative" or "depressive" post, my apologies. It isn't meant to be.
It's just me coming to terms with some things, recognising others, and stating even more.
It's a positive blog, although I am prepared to admit that it may not look that way at first.

End.